Monday last I'm flying out in typical, Irish weather, a few hours later having landed in Spain I check the news to find someone forgot to switch the tap off when I was gone and you managed to convert most of Dublin into a swimming pool. You also let some X-Factor dude announce Irish tour dates.
Tuesday I find out you're shipping bikes from the "Bike to Work" Scheme to Africa because apparently you're too lazy to use them (mind you they'd want to be fitted with life rafts given what happened on Monday). But we can't afford to have those modifications because we're going to have to pay for the fire safety rejigging at Priory Hall. You also let Martin McGuinness look good by slam dunking Sean "Fianna Fail bagman" Gallagher over payments received.
Wednesday there's a fall in profits for Amazon - I knew I bumped up their balance sheets alright, but seriously three days out of the country and they start losing money.
Thursday you went to the polls and I'll give you a reprieve on choosing the least bad of the not so magnificent seven. As I settle down with my final nights bottle of beer I'm just hoping you won't feckin' elect Dana. My mother sends me a funny but not so family friendly text message giving a run down of some of the choice candidates (something about McGuiness blowing the head off you, Dana giving you all kinds of everything and...well I'll leave the Norris one up to your own imagination)
Friday I return home to good old wind and rain again. I sit for two hours in the bloody traffic because I'd forgotten the Bank Holiday (that must be Linda's English influence rubbing off on me ;)). And now I'm just having a look around to see what other damage you've caused. In future when I go away I'll have to get a babysitter. Probably my mother - she did manage to feed himself for nearly a week and that's no mean feat!